Locus of control is a concept that was introduced by psychologist Julian Rotter in 1954. According to Wikipedia:
internal locus of control: “a belief that one can control one’s own life.”
external locus of control: “a belief that life is controlled by outside factors which the person cannot influence, or that chance or fate controls their lives.”
People who are sensitive to the emotions and behaviors of others, such as empaths, codependents, echoists, and HSPs (Highly Sensitive People - see this article for definitions), are more likely than most to experience external locus of control.
This is because we want to understand, help, and heal other people.
Consequently, we can often value the feelings, needs, and opinions of other people much more than we value our own.
This can put us in a difficult bind, where we become prisoners to the demands of other people.
During the process of understanding, helping, and healing other people, we may completely neglect ourselves.
Also, we may unknowingly fall into some common traps:
take on the burdens of others as our own
unconsciously feel guilty and responsible for others’ problems
succumb to guilt trips and manipulation by others
stay in unhealthy relationships
overextend oneself to the point of burnout
believe the world will fall apart if you don’t save the day
As sensitive people, we often allow others to push into our lives in an attempt to understand, heal, and help them.
When we do this, we change from an internal locus of control (resilient self-governance) to an external locus of control (powerless to say “no”).
The truth is that the more we allow others to push into our lives with their baggage, the less room we have for our own lives and our own responsibilities.
Unfortunately, the people who push into our lives are often abusive and unhealthy, perhaps because they are narcissists, have another personality disorder, or “have had a difficult life.”
Because we have soft hearts that are full of empathy, we want to believe the best in people. We believe in second chances.
We want to believe that if we love the other person UNCONDITIONALLY, it will make everything better.
When we love them unconditionally, we expect the miserable person to become happy.
This is because you, the “fixer,” have finally “healed” the other person by listening to them and seeing them. Truly seeing them.
Unfortunately, in almost all cases, this will NOT work.
Oftentimes, this is mentioned in the dynamic between a Narcissist and a Codependent.
Both the narcissist and the codependent need to face their own lives, choices, and responsibilities.
The narcissist avoids their own life by shifting their responsibilities onto others.
The codependent avoids their own life by accepting the responsibilities of the lives of others. (Thereby avoiding the codependent’s own life.)
The main difference is that narcissists rarely change.
Codependents, when educated and made aware of their behavior patterns, are much more likely to develop new healthier life patterns.
The key is to recognize the difference between what is your responsibility and what is NOT your responsibility.
You are responsible for your own feelings, actions, choices, boundaries, and personal growth.
You are not responsible for the feelings of others, their actions, choices, or expectations. You are also not responsible for external events like the economy, weather, or unexpected accidents.
When you take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility, your life will feel increasingly at the mercy of external forces.
If you want to maintain an internal locus of control, this is important:
Do not allow other people to blame, guilt trip, or manipulate you into taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.
Always return to the list of your responsibilities.
This will ensure that you don’t get distracted by the demands of abusive people and neglect your own life.
Maintaining an internal locus of control will help you gain resilience and self-confidence as you focus on controlling the controllable.
This will help you gain a greater sense of fulfillment and agency over your own life.
Thank you for reading! This article was also posted today on my Medium account.